CHANGES

I am a 21 year old boy now. When I was 17 I thought a 21 year person will be an elder person, a man. But still I can call me a boy. Even if I am 21, my mental condition is like, I just left +2 yesterday. May be it is because I am studying in the same class with same group of people around me for the last 4 years. May be it is because I am not feeling any progress in ma physical and mental conditions. 4 years ago I was a student. Still I am a student with uniform and bag.

But it does not mean that there is no change for me in the last 4 years. The last page of ma diary of each page shows my change in tastes, change in attitude. The things which were big things in past have become small things right now.

When I consider myself as a human being.. I don’t know which category I belongs to. I am an emotionless selfish and hardhearted son. At the same time I am an emotionally weak, sensitive, softhearted and possessive friend. I can hurt my mom with hard words without any guilty, but I can’t neglect a sms of my friend at the study time. I can’t say no when my friend want me to go with him for purchase, but I can neglect my order or his call for help in any small job.

I don’t know why I am like this. As I always says, I am like this and I will be, if u can’t adjust just leave me.. But now I found it is arrogance. What just happen in the last four years, have changed me. Now I am spending most of the time with mobile phone and computer. The text from an unknown unseen person can excite me. That emotionless letters together make relief on ma mood off situations.

I never come out from my room at evenings. I spent with computer and mobile. Actually I am not coming out from myself. Whenever I am engaging in any conversation with parents I feel that they are only pointing out ma mistakes and negatives. May be I am not giving them a chance to talk about some positive things.

Last 4 years many people came to my life. Most of them left me soon. But they put some remarks. Give some experiences. I am not hesitated to say or do the things which I was not brave enough to do before 4 years. I felt guilty before, I felt it is a sin. But, now it’s not there. 

There are many changes. I stop talk with my mom after class every day.

I stared to use ‘ma’ instead of ‘my’.

I was a better student before and now I am trying to survive somehow.

I was get satisfied with one sms a day, now I am tensed after sending 101 sms/day.

I never understand the care of the people who is with me now. I show ignorance to them and go after the one who is just considering me as an option. I never find happiness from the love and care of the persons who really loves me a lot. I will submerge into deep sorrows and dissatisfaction which comes because of the reflectance of the missing ones. 

Now a day’s Most of my time I spend for thinking about the relationship status with each and everyone. How complex it is, how sincere it is… as I am still unknown about what I really expect from each and every one, how can I just satisfied from anyone’s care. The mixed emotions of affection love lust and all smashes ma mind always. I always want more. Need it quick. As one girl said “over romantic” person.

Life is still moving forward. Whenever my relationship status becomes single, I felt boring. I always need it complicated. Always highly complicated. Simply escapism, I just need to escape from ma actual duties and responsibilities.. After all its life yar.. Let’s live. But I don’t know when I will fell that this life will let me think that I am a grown up person.

 Now I am a boy who worried about silly things and really neglects the hard truths of life.